


A Doctor of Virginity

by treelines (horchata)



Category: The Pirate Movie (1982)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack Crossover, F/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Yuletide 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-21
Updated: 2008-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 02:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1625876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horchata/pseuds/treelines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frederic and Mabel are both without their K's and without a solution a to Mabel's throbbing problem. They'll have to call in some help to get the process started.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Doctor of Virginity

**Author's Note:**

> Written for fact_checker

 

 

 _Give me a happy ending every time._  
_We'll kiss and make up,_  
That's a very peaceful sign.  
Give me a happy ending, pour the good wine,  
The movie's over, get them back to her old time!

MABEL: And now, for our happy ending.

[FREDERIC lowers MABEL from where she had been displaying her finest jazz hands, sitting on his shoulders. He appears to be absorbed with love.]

FREDERIC: Are we not already consumed with happiness?

[MABEL fusses with her poofy sleeves.]

MABEL: Consumed, but not consummated. Come on, Frederic, where's your sense of duty?

FREDERIC: Duty?

[MABEL grabs Frederic's hand and starts leading him back up the courtyard.]

MABEL: Yes, it's a husband's greatest duty to please his wife. In bed. Just like a fortune cookie.

FREDERIC: A cookie of fortune? How good does it taste? I have only heard of the wheel--

MABEL: Never mind that.

[MABEL stops walking to face him, hands on her hips. She is slightly incredulous at his incredulousness. This is, after all, her dream.]

MABEL: I'm talking about sex, Fred. S-E-X, sex. Glorious, sweaty, two bodies moving together as one hot undulating being, _sex._

[FREDERIC'S eyes widen.]

MABEL: Now you're getting it. You are duty-bound, aren't you?

FREDERIC: Until 1940.

MABEL: All right! I didn't resurrect the choreography from Mrs. Cunningham's sophomore year production of _Hello Dolly_ just for the hell of it. Come on, Fred! Where's your sense of adventure? Don't you want to buckle my swash? Walk my plank? Explore my crow's nest? 

[FREDERIC grimaces.]

FREDERIC: Well, maybe not that last one.

MABEL: Fred. Seriously, this whole time since I met you I've been-- I've been. You know. _Throbbing_.

FREDERIC: Oh, Mabel!

[The music SWELLS. Heh.]

FREDERIC  
_Poor throbbing one,_  
Still thou patiently waits,  
Your dire state,  
My lips abate,  
Poor throbbing one!

 _Poor throbbing one!_  
If such poor love as mine  
Can help thee find  
True peace of mind--  
Why, take it, it is thine!

[The PIRATES and the SISTERS appear out of nowhere to urge the couple on.]

CHORUS  
_Take not our lovely flow'rs;  
Take any flower but ours!_

MABEL  
_Oh, Fred, throw me a line;  
I have a flow'r-- take mine!_

CHORUS  
_Love both you will devour;  
Go on pluck her dear flower!_

MABEL  
_Oh, Fred, you are divine,  
I have a flow'r-- take mine!_

FREDERIC  
_Poor throbbing one!_  
Though down it's never been laid,  
Your flower's place  
Is in my embrace,  
Poor throbbing one!

[FREDERIC clears his throat to prepare for the high notes. Before we are all subjugated to that, MABEL grabs his arm and starts pulling him. A record scratches.]

MABEL: Why don't we save that for later? Duty now.

[MABEL and FREDERIC rush into the house and into a bedroom. They continue kissing with an increasing intensity, FREDERIC pushing the poofy sleeves from off of MABEL's shoulders, MABEL unbuttoning FREDERIC's shirt. Slowly they sink back onto the soft blue comforter. Both are clearly excited and clearly ready to go, except for the part where halfway through unlacing the front of MABEL's corset, FREDERIC pauses.]

MABEL: Hey, hey, we were just getting to the good part!

FREDERIC: I don't know what to do next.

MABEL: We could break out the Monopoly, or we could make passionate love. Give into it, Fred! Just follow my lead.

FREDERIC: This can't be how it works. [weakly] There aren't any bells!

MABEL: Well, I'm supposed to be a soprano, but we can't win all the battles, can we?

[She pulls him back in only to have him pull back sharply.]

FREDERIC: No, I mean, I really don't know what comes next.

[MABEL is first angered and then slowly horrified. She falls on her back, arms akimbo in total disbelief.]

MABEL: Oh, you're kidding me. This is the worst cockblock ever!

FREDERIC: Cockblock?

MABEL: It's not you, Fred, it's me! This is what I get for not playing the V-card before I start dreaming about sexy pirates. How is this possible? I've read enough books... 

[MABEL rises, starts to pace around the room, her dress half off of her body, corset half undone. FREDERICK stops paying attention to what she's saying.]

MABEL: What else can't I do here? I haven't thought about this enough, have I? Do all the regular rules apply? If I fall off of something is Falkor going to come take me to the Southern Oracle? 

[She gasps.]

MABEL: And I haven't gone to sleep yet! What happens when I start to dream here? Do we just keep creating an endless series of paradoxes? Is the fabric of time and space going to be altered in an impossibly destructive and catastrophic way? Do I get to meet Michael J. Fox?

[FREDERIC: suddenly starts listening again.]

FREDERIC: Who, now?

MABEL: Never mind.

[She grabs his arm in earnest.] 

MABEL: There's so much at stake, Fred! We have got to figure out a way to not get me to fall asleep so I can solve the problem I'm having blocking the resolution to the throbbing flower. Does this dream have coffee?

FREDERIC: Mabel, I don't understand. Aren't you the very mistress of this world?

MABEL: Well, the pirate theme is _definitely_ my fault. Not that I'm complaining--

FREDERIC: No, Mabel. Couldn't you bend the rules of this situation to keep us together forever?

MABEL: It's not that simple, Fred. Dreams are fleeting. Like our acting careers.

FREDERIC: What do you mean? 

MABEL: I mean I can't make this dream last forever, but before it ends, I think I've got to -- prune my real life flower. And I have a confession to make. I'm not actually from here. 

FREDERIC: Mabel?

MABEL: I'm from the future, Fred. I'm from a place of Epcot and shoulderpads and Ronald Reagan. There's Aqua Net in my bathroom cabinet. I'm a whole century ahead of the 1880s! Where I'm from, it's the women who wear the poofy shirts. We're gonna need to find a way to make this work.

[FREDERIC sends himself into a state of DEEP CONTEMPLATION. It looks pretty hot, let me tell you. But with a snap of his fingers--]

FREDERIC: What about 1940?

MABEL: 1940? When you turn 21? We broke that rule.

FREDERIC: Something else magical must happen if it was mentioned so much. 

MABEL: Fred, I'm not a time machine. I can't send you to the future.

FREDERIC: But could you not conjure some sort of wise person who could?

MABEL: They found the _Titantic._ Anything's possible, theoretically. [under her breath] Apparently not carnally, though.

FREDERIC: If we can find a way to send me to the future, then we can continue your dream then.

MABEL: Well, I do know of a time warp.

MABEL  
_Here's a first-rate opportunity_  
To get married with impunity,  
And indulge in the felicity  
Of unbounded domesticity.  
We shall quickly be parsonified,  
Conjugally matrimonified,  
By the doctor of virginity!  
His cure's located in this vicinity.  


[DR. FRANK-N-FURTER, A SCIENTIST appears.]

THE DOCTOR: You called?

[The camera pans to FREDERICK, who is suffering from a mild case of shock. The GOOD DOCTOR smiles a slow grin of sweet satisfaction. So does MABEL.]

MABEL: Come on, honey, this is gonna be _fun._

 


End file.
